A Brief History of the Seven Celebrity Scorpions: Your Handy Pull-Out
Number One. A creature made of chrome. This is where Elvis Presley
lives. He was a big old black man who lived in the hills of the American
South. He built the world's first electric guitar out of old Cadillac
hub-caps and twisted chicken wire. Everyone loved him and gave him food
and money and other good stuff whenever they saw him. Soon he had enough
money to retire to Hawaii, where he bought his own satellite TV station.
You can still see him sometimes, late at night, in the breaks between
the ads, singing to the stars. It was a leopard that got stung by the
Number Two. A creature made of marble. This is where Marilyn Monroe
lives. She used to be the most beautiful woman in the world with eyes
like street lights in the early evening rain and a real hot body that
looked like it was designed by a Detroit engineer. All the presidents
and generals and movie stars wanted her so bad they fought each other
for the honour of taking her to the Oscars ceremony at the United Nations,
and that's how the Vietnam War started. She felt so guilty about
it that she let them all fuck her. She is a bag-lady now who lives in
Florida. It was a supermodel that got stung by the marble scorpion.
Number Three. A creature made of velvet. This is where Rudolph
Valentino lives. He was a cowboy from South America who later moved to
Hollywood and got work as a transvestite lap-dancer. He invented all the
moves that the girls perform now and used to make a thousand dollars a
night in tips. Everybody loved him until one of his operations went wrong
and he was left with a face like the inside of a garbage truck. He shut
himself up inside a hotel in New York and only came out for late-night
shopping, when he would wear dark glasses and a wig. It was an army colonel
that got stung by the velvet scorpion.
Number Four. A creature made of earth and feathers. This is where
Tommy Cooper lives. He was a magician from Egypt who performed for the
Queen of England and so charmed her with his tricks and feats -- like
making a camel disappear onstage -- that she made him an honorary
prince and gave him a castle. Tommy ran the psy-ops campaigns in the war
against the Nazis, but then got killed on stage in a joke that went wrong.
He was buried under a pyramid in his native Cairo and people still write
graffiti on his tomb. It was an old comedian that got stung by the earth
Number Five. A creature made of paper. This is where Albert Einstein
lives. He was a mad scientist who invented the ultimate secret weapon.
It was a bomb that could blow up the world, but was small enough to fit
under your fingernail. He discovered it by taking acid one night and wandering
across the mountains of Switzerland where atoms from Mars got in his hair
and made him go crazy. He never really recovered from this experience
and in later life he led marches in the streets to get the bomb banned.
They finally put him away. It was a drug chemist that got stung by the
Number Six. A creature made of cut glass. This is where Princess
Diana lives. She was this girl with a mojo who lived in a castle where
she was made to clean out the stables by her wicked stepmother. Then she
met this prince who married her and made her look after his horses at
polo matches. He only wanted her for her mojo and when she realised this
she cried all over his precious family heirlooms and went round the world
looking for lepers and sick children to cure. The angry prince hunted
her down and drove her car off the edge of a cliff. It was a sad-eyed
loner that got stung by the glass scorpion.
Number Seven. A creature made of iron. This is where Harry Houdini
lives. He was an old Jewish ghost who came to America and made all the
people believe he was really alive. No matter what they did to him --
shot him full of bullets, put him in the electric chair, hanged him by
the neck from a skyscraper -- he always came back from the dead. Until
one night, they wrapped him in chains and lowered him beneath the ice
of the East River. Harry saw his wife's face in the water. His bindings
came free, he was never seen again. It was a private investigator that
got stung by the iron scorpion.